Not in the mood to feel perky…not in the mood to be witty…not in the mood to be cheerful…just not in the mood! I know family and friends and strangers are reading this blog. This blog is not just to keep you all updated…I started it as such but, now it has become a release valve. I need to write about this…I need to put into writing my feelings, my fears, my hopes. Days are going to be tough…I am not always going to be upbeat and laugh and joke. Today is one of those days.
I had myself all psyched up for chemo and radiation to start on the 26th. I have a CT scan scheduled for the 20th and I figured everything would be set up to start on the 26th…nope. I had plans…nope. There are things I need to do before it starts…nope.
Chemo and radiation are starting on the 21st…a Wednesday. So…Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I am getting chemo and radiation combined. One of the side effects is nausea and vomiting etc. I have been waiting and waiting months to take a course using my art pencils by a fabulous teacher from Arizona…now I may not be able to take the class. I had it all figured out…I was ready…I was going to get the test…do my class and then start treatments…I was ready…now I am not.
I have been struggling all day trying not to break down and just bawl my head off. I am not ready to start treatments on the 21st. This isn’t what I had planned on…it isn’t working out the way I had readied myself for.
I was so positive and upbeat and psyched up for everything to start on the 26th…I was ready to kick cancer’s butt…I feel cheated. I feel kicked in the teeth…I feel reality is closing in and I am not ready. I just want to curl up into a little ball…pull the blankets over my head and hide.
Today I am crying. Today I am sad. Today I am upset. Today I don’t feel like swimming.
Tomorrow I will.